


Everybody Hates Gawain

by SkinXLess



Category: Arthurian Mythology, Sir Gawain and the Green Knight
Genre: F/M, Gen, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-05
Updated: 2014-01-05
Packaged: 2018-01-07 14:45:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,454
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1121097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SkinXLess/pseuds/SkinXLess
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gawain tore his eyes from the monstrosity in front of him just in time to see the last on the knights around him place their fingers on their noses. Oh no. Oh shite, no. He realized, in horror, that he was the only one who hadn’t. “No,” he hissed. “When did we start doing Nose Goes?”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Everybody Hates Gawain

**Author's Note:**

> This was something my sister and I came up with while sitting in the Back of our Medieval Literature class. 
> 
> Arthur's dialogue while wielding the axe is from Hook, as it was that scene that inspired my sister and I to come up with this.

Sir Gawain, of Camelot, was King Arthur’s nephew. He was also a giant douche, but that is neither here nor there. He also had no idea that New Years Day would totally change his life forever. Though, to be fair, no one did.  
Things in court were just as they normally were whenever they held a celebration. All of the knights sat around a table with Arthur – the king, obviously – on a throne in the middle. Guinevere was there too; all ornate and regal looking because she’s only supposed to be an ideal and not an actual woman, no big deal. The knights were joking around. Well, except Gawain. Gawain thought he was better than that. He had an inflated sense of nobility.  
As everyone was laughing and joking, enjoying their feast of turkey legs or whatever, the doors to the castle burst open. As Arthur wasn’t expecting anymore guests, this was a surprise. The kingdom watched in shock and awe and a giant man rode into the palace on a great big horse. Also, this man and his horse were completely green.  
Everyone was taken aback. Who was this stranger? And why did he take his horse inside the castle? For Merlin’s sake, now there was going to be horse patties everywhere and the smell would never come out. Every servant grumbled their displeasure as they watched the scene before them. They were not getting paid nearly enough to deal with giant green horse shite.  
“Who is the king?!” The Green Knight below, gesturing around with his giant axe.  
Everyone looked around, wary of Arthur who, as stated above, sat on the throne in the middle because he was obviously the king. His throne was big and jewel encrusted and so obviously king like, that this could only be an insult.  
“I see no king,” the knight continued to taunt.  
Gawain swore he saw steam leaking out of Arthur’s ears. “I am the king,” Arthur said at last. He didn’t add “duh” at the end, but his tone implied that he so wanted to. “And, uh,” his eyes drifted down to where the horse was indeed making a mess, “normally we park our horses outside.”  
The green knight ignored that. “I propose a challenge!” he bellowed, raising his axe. Everyone knew that challenges were the fad of the day. They were in, Guinevere swore by it. She said everyone in the nearby kingdoms was throwing down gauntlets. It would be so unfashionable to refuse, and everyone knew it. “One of you, the brave knights of Arthur’s court, will deliver to me a blow. And then, after a year and a day, I will return the blow.”  
That was the dumbest thing any of them had ever heard. They all eyed the axe the knight continued to swing around like a baton. Seriously, did he not realize how dangerous that was? He could put someone’s eye out.  
The court was silent, and no one moved. The knight looked around expectantly, his expression slowly falling. Finally, he realized no one was stepping forward. “What, are none of you man enough to take this challenge?”  
A few knights winced, challenging Arthur’s manhood always set off his temper.  
“What kind of king are you, Wart, that no one will step up to defend your honor?” the green knight turned towards the crowd. “Not much of a king, am I right? Psssh.”  
“Hey now!” King Arthur angrily rose to his feet. “I am so a king! I am the best king.” He turned towards Guinevere (who was distracted by Lancelot, who sat three seats down). “I am, right Guin?”  
“Huh, what? Oh yeah, sure.” She nodded distractedly.  
“See, my queen says so!” Arthur turned back towards the knight. “I’ll do the goddamn challenge.” He marched forward, ripping the axe from the knight’s grip. “Get ready for pain!”  
“You know, I didn’t say our had to use the axe. It can literally be any blow. A splinter, a paper cut-”  
“Shut up!” Arthur rearer back the axe, throwing a frantic look behind him at his knights. “I have honor. I’ll do this myself. No stopping me this time, knights. This is it. Don't make a move knights, not a step. The axe is in my hands. Don't try to stop me.”  
Gawain looked around at the people seated next to them, all of them wore pained expressions. Not because they were worried, but because they knew how this was going to go.  
“Well, I’m not stepping up,” on knight whispered to the one next to him.  
“Me either.” His friend replied.  
Gawain had a sinking feeling as he saw other’s nod in agreement. Oh, shite. This was going to end badly, wasn’t it?  
Arthur slowly inched the blade towards the Green Knight. “This is it. Don't try to stop me this time, knights. Don't try to stop me this time, knights. Don't you dare try to stop me this time, knights, try to stop me. Hey, round table, you'd better get up off your ass. Get over here, someone!”  
Gawain tore his eyes from the monstrosity in front of him just in time to see the last on the knights around him place their fingers on their noses. Oh no. Oh shite, no. He realized, in horror, that he was the only one who hadn’t. “No,” he hissed. “When did we start doing Nose Goes?”  
Arthur’s axe was almost touching the Green knight now. Sweat dripped down Gawain’s neck.  
“Psst!” Guinevere hissed, getting Gawain’s attention. She had a finger to the tip of her nose. “You’re his nephew, Gawain! Do something!”  
But he didn’t want to!  
“Besides,” her gaze softened. “You’re so noble and humble and such a great knight.”  
“You’re right,” he replied. And she was. Gawain knew that Gawain was awesome. He was so brave and strong, he could slay dragons and shite. And he never bragged. He was so humble.  
Arthur was red faced now, “Stop me! This is not a joke!”  
Gawain jumped up so fast his chair toppled over. “I’ll do it! I will take the ring to Mordor!”  
Everyone stopped what they were doing, and stared blankly at him. He cleared his throat. “I, err, mean I’ll take the challenge.”  
Arthur dropped the axe to the ground. “Don't ever frighten me like that again. What are you, some kind of sadist?”  
“I’m sorry, your highness.” Gawain stepped forward, his back to the rest of the table. Which is a good thing, since everyone let out a collective sigh of relief.  
“Thank Merlin,” one knight whispered. “This couldn’t have worked out any better.”  
“Now we’re going to be free of that smug bastard.” Another said. “You know, I always hated Gawain.”  
“Dude, everybody hates Gawain.”  
Gawain picked up the axe; it was heavy in his hands. The Green Knight sneered at him. And that horse smelled so bad.  
“You know,” Arthur stage whispered behind him.  
“Not now, your highness. I’m trying to concentrate.”  
“I’m just saying that if you hit him right-“  
“Seriously, shut up uncle.”  
“-You won’t have to worry about the return blow.”  
As annoying as he was, Arthur had a point. It was with that in mind that Gawain swung the axe, severing the Green Knight’s head. It fell to the ground with a dull thud, rolling in the dust.  
“There!” Gawain exclaimed, fist pumping with the axe. “I did it!”  
“Well, shite.” Guinevere mumbled under her breath.  
“Now we’ll never be rid of him,” the knight seated next to her shook his head sadly.  
The knight’s body – still seated upright on the horse- surged forward. Only, instead of crumpling to the ground, it picked up his head. Oh, hell no. The body lifted it’s severed head, and the face came to life. “Way to go, arsehole!” The disembodied head scolded. “Now I’ll see you at the Green chapel in a year and a day.”  
“No!” Gawain exclaimed as the group behind him silently cheered. “Wait!” he called out as the Knight rode towards the door. “Where is the Green Chapel?!”  
“You don’t know that?” The Knight laughed, loudly and condescendingly. “Dude, everybody knows that. I am not even dignifying that with an answer.” And with that, the Knight was gone.  
Gawain dropped the axe to the ground with a loud clatter.  
“Well, I mean, I didn’t know that would happen when I told you to, uh, make it fatal.” Arthur said sheepishly. Then, his face brightened. “Oh well, you’ll just have to rush out and meet him in a year and a day!”  
Gawain glared at his uncle, and everyone in the court sent up a silent thank you to Heaven or Avalon or whatever. Because, truly, everybody hates Gawain.


End file.
